Names you're not getting

Let me just start by saying, I know you're not crazy about your name. Every kid goes through that, and if you don't make peace with the name, you won't hurt our feelings if you decide to change it.

Your name represents what matters to us, your mom and me. There's no way you can know what's going on in our heads and why we picked the name we decided on for you. And that's all I'm going to say about that, because we still haven't come even close to figuring out what to call you--beyond Dot.

But there are some names you won't be getting:

Mitsy. Mitsy is your mother's nickname for the girl I was dating before I met you. She was really rich and wanted me to get rich so I could be like her daddy. I liked her a lot--she had a beautiful way of standing--but ultimately I came to realize that she had no real direction in her life. Her real nanme was

Mindy. Enough said.

Debbie. We had an interesting adventure about a year and a half ago when I discovered the extent to which our accountant had managed to put us into a real mess, financially. Debbie the accountant. I thought she was a friend. One word of advice--if your accountant is charging his or her fees to your credit card, run.

Michael. There are some Michaels I like, but again, about a year and a half ago, Michael the attorney decided that the retainer I paid him was a gift and that he didn't have to actually do any work in order to keep it.

Dick. Dick comes from Richard, as do Rich, Ricky, Rick, and probably some other iterations. You gotta figure that if somebody is called Dick, rather than one of the other variants, there's a reason.

Brian. That's me. I'm not a big fan of the Junior thing. You get to be your own person, not a continuation of me. I have a feeling you won't have a problem with that.

Eunice. Thad. Janiqua. Probably nothing wrong with those names, but I just don't like them.

Edwin. When I was first starting out, I worked at the front desk of a hotel and the night manager's name was Edwin. He had no sense of humor, and of all the things I hope for you, a good sense of humor is right up there with health and an optimistic outlook.

Mitchell. Mitchell's this guy who's in love with your mother. He's a really good guy, but I'm not going to name you after him.

There. There are more, but that's all I can think of right now.